Monday, May 21, 2012

Day Sixteen: Journal of Infinite Testimony on Never Coming Back.

Don't go the way I have. I am far too gone now to know where I am. Far out there in the reaches of the netherworld. Out where radio waves never touch. Out where there is no sound of any civilization. Out where no one knows. I let go so much I even let go of letting go. I have no identity to rest on. No name. No face. Just memories that can't ever be recreated. The more I remember what I thought I knew the more I don't really remember anything. I once held a deep regard and a deep contempt for this place. This earthly home.

I once knew what it was like to feel the pain of trying. I once knew the young love that strikes you from out of nowhere. The nebulae of comatose that it puts you in. The consistency and the constant reminder that there is meaning. That there is value. That there is worth in the other. Now I don't know what that is. I don't know where the word where points to or where the word there points to. It has all meshed into one entity. One energy and I know there's no turning back. This holograph has no skin. This reality doesn't feel like something we are in. I don't care about the wars. The truncheons. The scars of long forgotten moments.

My soul is weary and it's ready to go home. If you are out there, you can have it all. You can take it all. You can swallow this hollow. You can burn this empty void. You can take all its books, all its records, all its descriptions, all its conniptions, its fits and you can gently go across its throat and slit it. I don't want this wall or this mirror or this voice in my head telling me things are going to get clearer. I want to completely disappear. I don't want anyone to remember me. I don't want to tell any more stories. All of them have been the same. Flittering this way and that. I might be wrong with all of this.

This might be just another test and if it is then please show me the way. Show me that none of this is just in vain. Show me that in this dark that there is really a light. That it burns bright. That the rainbow is really taking over. That all the world's goodness is more that this hollow. That love really does exist. That it's not just an idea that I seem to resist. That the touch of the skin and the smell of the hair is more than just the way that I stare. Is more than just endlessly falling down. Is more than just these clever names that we give. That I can really end on a good note and finally live. That this third act of my life, I will see the standing ovation.

I would love to see something more than just a shadow of a shadow of a shadow.

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