Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Day Five: Journal Of Infinite Testimony on Pounding Headaches That Leave You Feeling Like Smashing A Hammer Into Your Cerebral Cortex

Drip, drip, drip goes my serotonin into the extraneuronal space. It leaks like a water faucet. I can hear it. The pattern it makes. The empty sound all around. It's like Chinese water torture. I am being tortured by the second. Drip after drip after drip and there's nothing I can do about it. My iris swells. My eyes are killing me. My brain feels like a massive lump of dead weight inside my head and I want nothing more than to smash it as hard as possible into the ground or with a hammer. This is what it is like to be intelligent, so intelligent that your brain is constantly thinking, constantly firing off synapses.

A constant lightning storm. Floods of thoughts. Tsunami of dreams. Memory after memory after memory of this life I have lived so far. Of other lives, I have lived before this one. Germany. Beirut. Italy. France. Man. Woman. Heir to the throne of ancient queens. A peasant in the street. Mobster losing bets. The Little boy in the holocaust. Rocks. Nazi's. Boats. Colorful dreams. Mountains. Rainforest's. Gunfire in the Vietnam war. People running screaming. Airplanes crashing. Buildings blowing up. Submarines at the bottom of the ocean. The airliner's sinking to the bottom of the ocean. 100 ad. 200 BC. 3010. Tokyo sunrises. Buildings that make no sense architecturally. The subway. The airway. The highway. The low way. No way out of here. No exit. No entrance.

Conception. Millions of sperm swimming. Fucked in the back of a 57' Chevy. Fucked on the side of the highway with a blown tire. Sleeping in nightmares. Buried alive. The color blue. The color red. World disasters all over. Scripts. Prophecies. Duality. Alice in wonderland. Malice through the looking glass. Brothers. Sisters. Mothers. Cousins. Grandfathers. Grandmothers. Great Grandparents. Great Great Great Grandparents. Cavemen. Lotus flowers. Mud. Buddha. Krishna. Christ. Famine. Sickness. Disease. Pearl Harbor. Wet diapers. Babies running around the streets without anyone. Seven years old. Eight years old. Nine years old.

3.14159265358979323846264338327950288. Golden spirals. Lemniscate. Magician. High Priestess. The Devil. Death. Life. Water. Air. An atom. A capillary. The sun. The moon. The ocean. A river. Meditation. Lamentation. Fear. Love. Heart. Brain. Homunculus. Ridiculous. A sentence. A word. A paragraph. A book. A novel. Fiction. Truth. Lies. Movies. Real life. Stories. Bank accounts. Money. Poverty. So many things. Not enough things. Health. Doctors. Nurses. Hospitals. Clinics. A penis. A vagina. Eyelids. Open. Closed. Out of business. The news. The weather. Belief. Religion. Faith. Hope. Authenticity. Fake. Blasphemy. Unknown. Paradoxical. Intrinsic. Part. Whole. Broken. Tossed to the side of the road. Abandoned. Left for dead. Lack of anything else to say. Too much talking. Too much silence. Space. Matter. Star systems. Movement. Rest.

Vampires. Wolves. Gold diggers. Harlots. Concubines. Whores. Drag queens. Brooklyn. Manhattan. Queens. Bushwick. Williamsburgh. Alphabet City. All of the women, I have ever been with. All of the women, I will never be with. All of the people who know me. All of the people who don't know me. All of the people who think they know me. All of the people who see me and stare. All of the people who don't give a care. All of the people that matter. All of the people that mind. Friend. Acquaintance. Stranger. Pharaoh. Capitalism. Socialism. Ism. Ain't. Is not. Will never be. Could have been. Should have been. Would have been. Past. Present. Future. Descript. Nondescriptor.

The alphabet. The numbers. Winners. Losers. Black. White. Strong. Might. Dark. Light. This way. That way. Anyway. No way. Etcetera. Etcetera. Never ending. Ending one day. Forever. Never say never. This can keep going on and on and on and on and on. This is what it is like when your whole life flashes in front of your eyes and other lives you have lived also flash before your eyes and words. Things. Places. Locations. Everything. You wonder why I have a headache. Aspirin. Tylenol. Advil. Chicken. Turkey. Pheasant. Duck. Rice. Cous Cous. Indian. Moroccan. Muslim. Allah. Steeples. Churches. Mosques.

Creation. Destruction. Structure. Discipline. Alaska. Antarctica. Egypt. NYC. Los Angeles. San Francisco. The holy trinity. Shiva. Brahma. Vishnu. Kali Ma. Sai baba. Lakshmi. Goddess. Things I left out. Things I forgot. Things I remember. Things I don't know yet. Things I think I know. Things I will never know. Purity.

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